who knew?

just like a baby

learning to walk

alone

you are gone

and I'm learning to live

without you.

very unsure.

very unstable.

very scared.

it's a big world out there, pops.

i don't know if i can face it without you.

step by shaky step.

i do.

i miss you so much.

it hurts in places i didn't know existed.  deep down.  jarring. everything.

learning to walk all over again.

finding strength from places, deep caves... that I didn't even know of.

like a camel... hiking through the desert places... parched... dehydrated.

then the reserves kick in surprising even the keeper of such treasure.

consistently surprising myself.

with each blow... 

comes a new strength.

who knew 

that my brokeness could birth such strength?

that death could birth such life?

that pain could bring such healing?

who knew.

fully broken

and yet

fully strong.

who knew?

i won't forget who you said I am...i can't

realize. revelation. ding. see it. get it. 

learning.

deep roots lie...

deep in me. 

in i.

always there.

never knew it.

never chose to saw

the weakness.

always chose to let you tell me 

who i am.

and now you are not.

not in the flesh.

always chose to let your  pride in me

 be my pride in me.

always basked and hid and grew in your 

wings of shade and protection.

deep roots.  always.

any fear... ran to you

any lie... ran to you

any doubt... ran to you

protection.

safety

security

assureity

unconditional

undeniable

unfathomable

your love.

filled my awareness.

so fully loved 

so fully secure.

what an amazing dad you were.

and now...

my mirror is gone.

realizing that

somewhere in me i need to become strong on my own now.

i don't have you reminding me when i need it.

i don't have your pride to sustain me.

i need to find it within myself, dad.  i need to stand on my own now and know i can.

you were always there if i fell...

always there to encourage.

you showed me what was inside me.  you saw who i was and always reminded me.  

now

 i

am left.

so often... just a mess.  

quickly forgetting who you said I am...

I need to stand strong

on my own

i need to grow up.

you aren't here to hold my hand.

to lift my head.

but this is what you prepared me for, isn't it?

I won't forget your pride in me, your love for me.

i can't imagine life without it.

you showed me 

who i am.

i won't forget.

it's like...

it's like a sleepless night

it's like a constant sleep

it's like a whisper and a scream

a loud mute

a medicated headache.

there.

flashbacks of laughter

flashbacks of death.

flashbacks of smiles

flashbacks of tears.

it's like a long minute

a blur

memories are priority.

forsaking the now for the then 

in my head.

but knowing eventually

i will have to let

go. 

it's like a dream

my mind can't keep up with my heart.

my heart can't keep up with my mind.

it's true.

my dreams are proof.

it's like a waking coma

it's like a stale summer day

it's like nothing else at all.

grief feels #2

grief feels like a valley

a field

spread far in all directions.

no escape.

soft and severe

fully lovely and fully ugly

hopeful and hopeless

comforting and scary

all. 

reality.

dreams.

memories.

now. then.

grief is all of this in one. 

grief contradicts itself at every angle.

grief is an unwanted friend. 

always there, but sometimes hiding.

but always there.

grief feels #1

grief feels like a flood

feels like an ocean

calm

cold

vast.

feels like drowning and floating 

at the same time.

never ending

tossed around depending on the day

some days the ocean comes alive

in storm.

uncontrollable. unreliable. mad. rage.

some days I'm laying on a raft, soaking in the warm sun 

smiling.

but most days... it just feels like drifting.

FAITH

 to Understand

who

i am

who He is

the One to whom I love

want to LOVE

with every fiber of my being

inside and out.

struggle

digging farther into the receses of unexplored lands. undeclared territory.  undiscoverd secrets.  hidden treasure of the soul the deep the covered up.

this is where i am

seemingly dark seemingly wrong seemingly lost... cold... alone.

is where the FOUND sleeps.

pushed to the end again and again. sweat. labor. quit? not yet. must dig on. deeper deeper.  MUST find. what I am made of.  Must work, covered in coal covered in filth and mire and dirt.  digging through the stone one centimeter at a time. back breaking work. pushed to the limit of my awareness.  my sanity. must dig on. and on. and on. 

what will i find?

i stop. muscles ache. back breaks. lost? where have I dug? where am I in this vast me? struggle.  DETERMINED to find.  me.  find the recipe of ME.  

what lies within?  to find i must WORK.  HARDER. HARDER.  it'sworthit it's worth it it's worth the pain must keep going deeper and deeper and deeper in ME to find Him.  my Jesus.  it's worth it it's worth it.  it's gotta be close.  it's worth it right?  it's gotta be close. it's worth it i think i think i think it is.  He said it would be.  He said it would be worth it, right?  the treasure. the diamonds and rubies and pearls.  they are here amongst the undiscovered.... right?

i must remain named by faith.  when all i see is black dark. the promise you gave still remains.  the promise you give still is.  to keep on i must transform from Raeanne to Faith. that is my identity.  whether i know it or not. see it or not. believe it or not. want it or not.  I am clothing myself in FAITH.  the only force that pushes me on. the only hand holding me. the only truth and reality i know.  FAITH. in the Love of the One who I want and don't know but will keep seeking to know when understanding is a stranger. when understanding is a foreign land.  i choose to believe when i don't believe and keep digging on and on and on and on with my friend faith right beside... i am sure of what i hope for... but uncertain what that is.  Faith is a journey of strength and endurance.  i must bathe in it. sleep in it. walk in it. run. roll. immerse. soak. breath it in. oover and over and over again.  i must master it's language and know it's secrets.  Faith.

when will it be changing?

refusing to be happy doesn't appeal, don't want to feel or heal.... o GOD I should kneal you are my king but my heart cannot grasp... it feels like a trap.  My God- have you forsaken me?  Cus when I think of what I have lost, - i wonder if you really exist in this list of things I wish to be true but too often they leave me blue knowing the fake wanna make their mark on my back and I do feel the attack but it's back my pain is all inside all turned around and caught up in lies that you don't hear my cries... my tears run dry.  Where are you? my savior my king/ I've given you everything my heart my life my dreams, what else do you want me to bring cus I'm out of ideas i'm out of hope am I supposed to just cope? or dare I dream bigger or dare i not? this freeze frame of tears running down is not slowing down keeps coming and staying despite the praying when will this be changing? my savior, my king? when will this be changing?

care not feel not think not see not hear not live not

cope

Poetry from the deep

I am I and only I.  Single letter-what else do you want?  I got nothing else, believe me- what would I be trying to hide? how absurd to hide anything behind I- the most bare of all letters.

                                                                                I

the moset real is I and I will not be you.  I refuse to be us.  I cannot be we-fr I is only I even when it is with you- even when I cannot understand I.  I am done having opinions.  I am done deciding what I am.  What i think.  What I feel.  I is just I.