FAITH

 to Understand

who

i am

who He is

the One to whom I love

want to LOVE

with every fiber of my being

inside and out.

struggle

digging farther into the receses of unexplored lands. undeclared territory.  undiscoverd secrets.  hidden treasure of the soul the deep the covered up.

this is where i am

seemingly dark seemingly wrong seemingly lost... cold... alone.

is where the FOUND sleeps.

pushed to the end again and again. sweat. labor. quit? not yet. must dig on. deeper deeper.  MUST find. what I am made of.  Must work, covered in coal covered in filth and mire and dirt.  digging through the stone one centimeter at a time. back breaking work. pushed to the limit of my awareness.  my sanity. must dig on. and on. and on. 

what will i find?

i stop. muscles ache. back breaks. lost? where have I dug? where am I in this vast me? struggle.  DETERMINED to find.  me.  find the recipe of ME.  

what lies within?  to find i must WORK.  HARDER. HARDER.  it'sworthit it's worth it it's worth the pain must keep going deeper and deeper and deeper in ME to find Him.  my Jesus.  it's worth it it's worth it.  it's gotta be close.  it's worth it right?  it's gotta be close. it's worth it i think i think i think it is.  He said it would be.  He said it would be worth it, right?  the treasure. the diamonds and rubies and pearls.  they are here amongst the undiscovered.... right?

i must remain named by faith.  when all i see is black dark. the promise you gave still remains.  the promise you give still is.  to keep on i must transform from Raeanne to Faith. that is my identity.  whether i know it or not. see it or not. believe it or not. want it or not.  I am clothing myself in FAITH.  the only force that pushes me on. the only hand holding me. the only truth and reality i know.  FAITH. in the Love of the One who I want and don't know but will keep seeking to know when understanding is a stranger. when understanding is a foreign land.  i choose to believe when i don't believe and keep digging on and on and on and on with my friend faith right beside... i am sure of what i hope for... but uncertain what that is.  Faith is a journey of strength and endurance.  i must bathe in it. sleep in it. walk in it. run. roll. immerse. soak. breath it in. oover and over and over again.  i must master it's language and know it's secrets.  Faith.